fact: my parents were emotionally unavailable when i was a kid. they never hugged me or told me they loved me or any of that. it's not to say they didn't, but they never said it.
i think it's because of this, i am so fucked up when it comes to relationships and love. i am attracted to emotionally unavailable people. it's a cycle that is never ending for me and i knowingly get involved with these people. this last one though... this last one was especially rough on me.
i was involved with him for over a year. and everyone told me to be careful; everyone told me that he would hurt me; everyone told me that he was no good for me and i deserved better. i hate when people think they know what's best for me. i hate when people tell me i'm better than someone else or they're not worthy of my attention. i understand they tell me these things to protect me and god bless them, but it's my heart on the line and i'll decide for myself whether or not i want to risk breaking it.
that being said, they were right. UGH. i think i knew all long this relationship was never going to go forward and the commitment i deserved was never going to happen. but i hoped for it. i put off having "the talk" because i knew, deep down, what the outcome was going to be. my sister called me a chicken and it's true: i was slash am a chicken. i'm afraid he'll leave my life.
it's very difficult for me to be that vulnerable with someone. but i trusted him. i trusted him when he told me he didn't want me involved with anyone else. i trusted him when he said he wasn't sleeping with anyone else. i trusted him every single fucking time i was with him. it's not the fact that he was also seeing someone else that bothered me (okay, that bothered me a LOT) but it was mostly how he treated me like some random girl he was hooking up with. i've known him for 15 years. he was best friends with my sister; he was at my other sister's wedding; he knows my parents. seriously, why did he think he could get away with this?
a few months ago, i was also casually seeing this other guy (this was before boundaries were set. or what i thought were boundaries, at least). he was great. no, he was amazing to me. he treated me with so much respect and was genuinely a good guy. he seemed to have all his marbles and was exactly what i needed. but when it came time to pick between the two, who did i choose? yes, the emotionally detached one. and i ruined my relationship with the other guy. there is seriously not a day when i don't think about him and the "what ifs." i saw him over the weekend for the first time in months and i realized i still have strong feelings for him but he's put distance between us because i burned him so bad. and i wish there was a way for me to make things right but i don't know how.
i don't know what the state of my relationship with emotionally detached guy is. i also saw him this past weekend, a month after he told me about this other girl. i was able to resist him (which, believe me, was very difficult) but i did cuddle with him and i did have a good time with him. even though we had a great time together, i don't think i could ever trust him again. at least not with my heart.
UGH i don't know. maybe it's time i go back to girls.
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